A message to my fellow journeyers into the void of uncertainty
I’m sure there is great value in uncertainty, yet I have always struggled to embrace it.
I’m sure it is wonderful to be able to enter the void where nothing makes sense and the way forward is obscured, with nothing but happiness and courage in your heart.
I have never been able to do that.
I have never been someone who goes softly and unragingly into the dying of the light of knowing.
All my life I have relied on the power of my intellect to figure things out. I’ve used it to make sense of where I’m headed, to scout the route and to visualise and explore the destination.
Life has tried in various ways through the years to let me know that my mental certainty default preference has several distinct limitations and costs. Most notably the fact that uncertainty is where the magic really lives, but it has never been as clear to me as it is now.
This year was the year when I finally realised how little control I actually had and how little control anybody else had either.
How little I knew and shockingly that no one else had the answers either.
The last vestiges of reliance on anyone else’s understandings or knowings fell away completely.
The shoulds and shouldn’ts
I look at this lockdown as a very precious time where we were all given the gift of space, to discover who we are without the shoulds and shouldn’ts of the world.
You should get dressed.
Probably best not to drink before 10 am.
You should do productive “work” every day.
As the boundaries of my physical world pressed in on me in an alarming way, my inner world expanded exponentially.
Ironically, I found new freedom within myself, while being locked up.
It was a period of profound inner shifts, clearing away of old energy and things that I wanted once upon a time. New activations began and I am starting to step into something much bigger.
So big, in fact, that I can still only vaguely make out the edges of it. I have no idea of the pathway from here to there. And for the first time in my life, I’m sort of okay with that.
The tremors from these inner earthquakes are still translating and making their way into my outer life. But big changes are coming. It is inevitable.
If I haven’t been very visible or vocal during this time it is because I have been quietly journeying and shifting and it took a lot of my focus.
Dear fellow journeyers of the void…
But now, as I sit in my little garden that became my sanctuary in this time, sipping some ginger tea and listening to the sound of birdsong and sirens in the distance, I wanted to write to you, my fellow journeyers of the void. You see, I see you out there…
I see you flailing about, trying, I see you heroically struggling to find your balance and flow. You are so beautiful and precious as you undertake this new soul journey…
I wanted to let you know that I believe now that it is okay not to know and that it is okay to rage against not knowing too.
It is okay
It is okay, really, to miss feeling in control of your life, but maybe it is better this way because honestly we had no idea what we were doing anyway.
You can trust your heart to lead you when your eyes cannot see and your mind is going crazy (just send it off to go build a puzzle or something).
It is okay to rest and to integrate and it is okay to not be doing anything else right now.
Focus just on being okay in the moment, all wrapped up in the stubborn belief that great things are being born. Snuggle into faith and grace and trust.
It is even okay that this is hard for you. It is so damn hard.
But you are built for this. And you are so loved and supported. I know this too.
Sending you lots of love and a big hug. Hang in there. It’s going to be awesome.
I just know it (with my heart).